NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE can have it all. If you have a challenging career and are raising young kids, it’s a guarantee that you will have to cut something out of your 168 hours a week and make compromises.
You only have to be okay with your choices at any given stage of your life, and be willing to adapt when circumstances change.
One of the key shifts in my own burnout was understanding the difference between mom guilt and mom shame. This shift came from Brené Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection.” At a high level, guilt is behaviour-focused. Guilt is actually protective since you can separate “you” as a person from your behaviours. You can focus on changing your behaviours, habits, and choices. In contrast, shame is person-focused. It is assigning identities to you as a person: smart, dumb, fat, fit, fast, slow etc. Shame language tells you that you are not enough.
The first step in stopping mom guilt is to pay attention to whether you are focusing on your behaviour or you as a person.
Language here matters. Are you saying to yourself that you’re a “bad mom?” Or are you noticing that you have the habit of being distracted with your phone while your child is explaining something that happened during their day? Feel free to feel guilty about that habit, but then focus on what you can do to change that behaviour so that you are present in front of loved ones.
The second step is to try and limit comparison to others.
Only compare to the you of yesterday. You don’t have to prove that you’re better or worse than anyone else. I’m encouraging you to practise and make small changes in the direction you’ve identified as being a priority.
The third step is to reframe comparison into aspiration.
I know! It’s so hard to never compare to others! I have experienced envy and jealousy more times than I would like to admit. I would really love toned arms and a better fashion sense! But instead of feeling bad about living in yoga pants all day, I can instead focus on learning how other people have achieved the results I want. That’s very empowering! Most people are happy to share their routines. It’s kind of like a cheat sheet–so ask people for their best routines and try them out. Not only does this focus on behaviours (which can be changed), but it also exercises your autonomy to choose differently.
You can never win with comparison, but aspiration can move you forward.
Question: “The next time you feel mom guilt, ask yourself–are you using guilt language or shame language?”
