Disclaimer: I don’t claim to have all the right answers on this topic. I want to share some tips that worked for me, but I’d appreciate any feedback from you all! Please leave comments about what has worked for you.
The other day, I overheard an interesting conversation between two women in a café. One woman had asked her husband to make dinner since she was running late at work. In frustration, she told her friend all the ways he involved her in the task by asking:
- What should I cook?
- How about I make pasta for dinner?
- Do we have pasta?
- What sauce is best?
- What if I order takeout instead?
The two women then discussed whether it made sense to get angry at this behaviour.
They discussed the societal expectations to be nice and patient when they were at their limit and feeling exasperated, frustrated, and resentful.
What do you do when you are in this situation?
Do you hold it in and patiently answer your partner?
Do you roll your eyes and push their efforts aside? And maybe take over dinner preparations?
I’ve definitely done both ways. And both ways feel terrible.
Do you do something in between?
If so, what do you do?
“Our anger can be a powerful vehicle for personal growth and change if it does nothing more than help us recognize that we are not yet clear about something.”-Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger
As Lerner says, it’s easy to get caught in the trap of either being a “nice” lady martyr or an “angry shrew.”
Sure, men don’t have these same traps.
When men help out, they are called heroes and praised as amazingly involved fathers.
When men get angry, they are being vocal and showing leadership.
It’s not fair.
You can be angry (because it’s seriously not fair)!
But what kind of behaviour do you want to model?
What behaviour do you wish to choose?
What kind of communication do you want to use?
I’m assuming you don’t want to handle the load all on your own AND you don’t want to resort to blaming and berating your partner.
You want to express your feelings in a way that feels heard, is effective, and also respectful of everyone else.
So how do you get your partner to pitch in more?
Roughly speaking, this is what I’ve found to be useful for me:
- Stop equating the ability to manage the invisible load as a proxy for your self-worth.
- Release the expectation that you and your partner can manage all the work that needs to be done and still feel good about your marriage.
- Save something for yourself. This could be as short as 5 uninterrupted minutes in the shower or a short walk outside. I think this is key. It’s very hard to make wise choices when you’re constantly feeling your needs aren’t met.
- Communicate with your partner what the invisible load feels like. Be explicit about the remembering, initiating, and implementing aspects that make you feel as if you’re still the one managing the task. Be honest, but don’t shame or blame others.
- Experiment with accepting all forms of help, even if it’s not to the standard you would use for yourself. People generally feel good about doing their share, but no one likes to be told what to do or how to do it all the time.
- Be okay with letting others fail as long as they are not endangering themselves or anyone else.
- Do not rescue and fix, especially if it increases your resentment by doing so.
Does this mean your partner will pitch in more overnight?
No, of course not.
It’s more of a long-term approach.
I’ll go into more detail with each of these in the next few blogs.
Question: let me know what strategies have worked for you in overcoming the overload of motherhood!
