By default, I think I’m right.
And in line with this belief, naturally I try to control how people around me behave and think. If you believe this doesn’t apply to you, ask yourself if you’ve ever done any of these things:
Escalated an argument with a trainee consultant by saying “fine–I want to speak to your staff then!!!” (then slam the phone).
(Maybe that trainee has been awake for 28 hours straight and hasn’t had a chance to eat or catch up with their work load and will get yelled at by THEIR staff in the morning).
Complained that “other doctors aren’t working fast enough.”
(Maybe that “slow doctor” is going through a lawsuit for making a mistake that lead to a patient’s death).
Complained that “other doctors can go fast because they aren’t providing quality care.”
(Maybe that “fast doctor” experiences visceral stress by seeing the WTBS numbers balloon).
Judged a colleague for calling in sick.
(Maybe they really. are. sick).
Rolled your eyes when a patient came to the ED/clinic for a non-urgent reason.
(Maybe that patient wants to feel like a human today).
In her book “The Let Them Theory,” writer Mel Robbins talks about the benefits of giving space for people to do what they want. She points out that you cannot truly control another adult’s choices in life. You can only control 3 things: what you think, what you do or don’t do, and how your process your emotions. After you “let them,” you apply “let me.” Let me is when you decide what you will do. Assume that the person in front of you is doing the best that they can under the current circumstances. It might not be what you want. It might not be up to your standards. Their behaviour might even hurt you.
But it is a gift of a generous heart to give people grace.
Understand that you do not know the reality of the person in front of you. An amazing way to decrease your burnout is to assume that everyone is doing their best. This detaches you from wasting your energy and time on trying to control someone else. Focus your energy and time instead on aligning your actions to your words and character.
The next time someone disagrees with you or raises an opinion that is opposite to yours–take a pause. Let them have the space to see the world differently. Be curious about their point of view. Use humour and genuine care to understand how you two can come up with a solution where both sides can win.
When you give up the need to control how someone else behaves, you can retrieve all of that wasted energy and focus it back on you. Or your kids. Or your partner. Or your dog.
They all deserve the best of you to show up.
You deserve the best of you to show up.
Question: “How will you LET THEM?”
