Hmmmm…..
I’m actually not bothered when people tell me no.
I am also not bothered by saying no to someone’s request. But I know lots of people who find this hard to do.
The first question that comes to mind is: “is it so bad to disappoint others?”
Because that’s a given, right?
If someone asks you to do something, presumably it’s with the idea that it would be helpful for them (most likely) or helpful for you or beneficial for you both.
So if you say no, it’s inevitable that there might be a bit of disappointment on their side.
In my world, that’s totally fine.
I think it’s better to be clear with your NO, than wishy washy with a maybe yes maybe when the answer is really no. That’s just not kind.
When you say yes to them, you say no to lots of other things–many of them things that would make you happy!
I’m not saying you should never help others. Contribution to your family, your community, and helping others is a tremendous source of joy and meaning. But the list of NOs has to, by default, be longer than the list of YESes. That’s the rule. Time is finite.
But here’s the wrinkle: often, even if you say YES to a request, it’s not such a big deal for the other person. It’s not as if you’ve just earned a badge for “KINDEST PERSON OF THE YEAR.” But now your time is taken up and you can’t say YES to something you would most definitely enjoy that benefits your health, your relationships, or your ability to give back to others.
If only NO had a less negative connotation. Then maybe you wouldn’t feel so bad to say NO.
In Korean, there is a versatile grammatical ending that I’ll translate as “eun-dae” which, when used, softens a phrase to allow for context.
Let’s just say someone asks you to join the wellness committee. You COULD say
“I’m busy.” This leaves no room for interpretation. It’s a flat-out no.
But in Korean, you could say I’m busy with the “eun-dae” ending.
So
“I’m busy” gets transformed into
“I’m very busy, so….(pause-now-this-is-where-you-read-the-room-and-understand-I-want-to-say-no -but-want-to-seem-like-a-nice-person…)
Do we have the English sentence equivalent? I think we need to use tone and body language and inflections to get across the same messaging that we are flattered, thanks for thinking of us, but NO.
NO.
No thanks.
NO eun-dae…(haha)
Question: “What’s your favourite way to say no?”
