Do you ever mutter under your breath:
“Why can’t people just get their work done?!!”
Why is it that you
stay to finish the job
take on extra work while those around you struggle to complete even simple tasks
volunteer to help out at the school event despite having only had 4 hours of sleep
plan the dinner
cook the dinner
don’t get to fully eat the dinner
clean up after the dinner
then repeat?
Have you ever wondered what is at the root of the resentment? It’s not anger.
It’s actually ENVY.
I know that when I was feeling the most resentful, I envied other people’s ability to just relax.
They weren’t bothered by the mess in the house.
They weren’t bothered by an unmade bed.
They weren’t bothered by eating a meal without a colourful salad.
They weren’t bothered by the growing number of patients waiting to be seen.
But at the same time…
They seemed to enjoy lounging in the house.
They enjoyed their sleep.
They ate their meal and actually sat down for the whole event.
They laughed with their patients.
I could tell that my resentment was a signal that needed my attention.
I started by accepting that I couldn’t, and shouldn’t, control unimportant things. I know intellectually that I can’t control how others deal with the things they deem unimportant, but in practice, I still wanted others to care.
And even though I knew something was not critically important, I still tended to place unnecessary energy on getting them completed just right.
What did this look like in practice?
I decreased reminders in an age-appropriate way. Shared calendars, checklists, and agendas were important to build independence. If people forgot, then natural consequences happened.
That’s actually good!
I stopped looking for missing socks, phones, house keys etc. Instead of swooping in to fix this for others, I planned and allowed for more time for my family to leave the house and waited in the car while everyone found their needed items.
I stopped passing messages between people (um, yes).
I held back on redoing chores (so.hard.)!
I didn’t bring forgotten calculators or water bottles to school. People need to learn to remember.
And slowly, very slowly, I started to release some of my tension by releasing the control over non-crucial tasks. And what I realized was that there were lots of non-essential things I did that added no real meaning to my life.
Do I love doing a job that I consider “sloppy?” No, I still dislike that.
But what surprised me was that over time, it didn’t feel as if I had less in my life. It felt as if my life had expanded. By giving up some control over the way things were done, I ended up having more control over how I felt about my life.
And that is a great trade-off.
Question: “what might be standing in the way of your resentment?”
