I was once asked to give a talk to a physician’s group that was encountering some challenges in their culture. I suggested the topic of vulnerability. The group’s willingness to open up, engage, and share their fears was humbling. We talked about the fear of not being “the fast doctor,” the fear of being “the weak doctor that can’t stand up to the consultant” and “the fear of retaliation after giving critical feedback to a trainee.”
In general, I find that doctors don’t like to be vulnerable.
Do you ever feel this way?
Even in a group of your caregiver colleagues or family members, it can sometimes feel like choosing silence is the safer option. How will you know whether they will react supportively when you share your feelings with them? How will they react when you talk about your burnout, the crappiness of your day, or share your stress with them?
First, you have to choose carefully.
Choose someone who you know will respect your story, even if it’s very different from their own experiences. Good people don’t always know how to react with empathy. Even in medicine, we are often taught empathy very poorly. I’m sure you’ve shared a bad day with someone, only for them to say some version of “ooh that’s bad, but my day was worse…this is what happened” and then all of a sudden it’s all about them and their horrible day. Choose carefully. Choose someone you trust who will not derail your attempts to share your feelings.
Secondly, teach people how to react to your story.
When you share your feelings, feel free to tell the other person “I’m looking for someone to listen, not fix the problem for me” or “I’m looking for advice, what would you do?” or “I need to vent my anger and frustration right now–comiserate with me?”
Third, when someone is vulnerable with you, ask them what they need.
“What do you need from me right now?” feels like a hug from a kind friend. You can’t go wrong.
Question: Who in your life do you trust to hear your vulnerable feelings? Keep this list on a sticky note where you can see it.
